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The Land Before Time 1, 2,
We begin with Bob digging somewhere in the desert. Bob: *looking over to the audience* Oh. Hey, guys. After seeing "Alpha and Omega: Dino Digs", I was inspired to search for some dinosaurs myself. Cut to a clip from Barney & Friends of the titular character singing "I Love You". Bob: No, not that one. Then, we cut to a clip of Pterri from Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Pterri: Oh. Good morning, boys and girls. Bob: No, not that one. After that, we cut to a clip from previously mentioned "Alpha and Omega: Dino Digs". Amy: My name is Amy, and I'm a dinosaur. KateHump's Pups: Hi, Amy. Bob: Oh god, no! Not that one! It's "Land Before Time"! *voiceover* It's funny that after the disastrous reception of "Dino Digs", only now are people groaning at the franchise, saying how it's become the new "Land Before Time". Of course, "The Land Before Time" was one of the most beloved movies in recent decades, and it's one of the most notorious franchises of all time. It's hardly uncommon for a successful kids movie to follow up with a sequel or two or maybe have a TV series attached to it, but "The Land Before Time" has the distinct honor of having thirteen sequels to its name. That is insane. And with "Jurassic World" revitalizing the public's interests in dinosaurs, which is the only reason Slash Entertainment could come up with something this ridiculous, naturally there needs to be a new "Land Before Time" sequel to exploit the crap out of it. But, we'll talk about that in weeks to come. For now, let's take a look at the first three installments of "The Land Before Time". The first "Land Before Time" is one of Don Bluth's masterpieces. It tells the story of a young brontosaurus named Littlefoot, who gets separated from his family while migrating to the Great Valley, which is legend for its abundance of food and isolation from predators. Along the way, he befriends Cera the triceratops, Petrie the pterodactyl, Spike the stegosaurus, and Ducky the (para)saurolophus. Bob: By the way, I'm sure that many of you are expecting me to talk about Judith Barsi, the little girl who voiced Ducky, but trust me, we'll get to her soon enough. *voiceover* For the moment, let's talk about the one thing that everyone takes away from this movie. Littlefoot and Cera run into a tyrannosaurus, and Littlefoot's mom is killed while fending it off. In the rain, Littlefoot's mother is lying on her side, barely moving. Littlefoot: '''Mother? Please get up. '''Litlefoot's Mother: I'm... not sure I can, Littlefoot. Littlefoot: Yes, you can. Get up. She tries standing up, but just comes back down, crushing the rock she was lying on. Littlefoot's Mother: Dear sweet Littlefoot. Do you remember the way to the Great Valley? Littlefoot: I guess so... But why do I have to know? You're gonna be with me! Littlefoot's Mother: I'll be with you... even if you can't see me. Littlefoot: What do you mean if I can't see you? We can always see you! Littlefoot's Mother: Littlefoot... let your heart guide you... It whispers... so listen closely... Littlefoot: Mother... mother? Bob: *voiceover* I know. Not a dry eye in the house, right? But look at what immediately comes after it. A baby pterodactyl picks a single berry from the tree, followed by another baby pterodactyl snatching it from the other's mouth, and more joining in. Bob: '*voiceover* It's the ''exact same thing as what happens to Bambi's mom! Bambi's mom gets killed, then the movie throws some cute, twittering birds at us to lighten the moment. Littlefoot's mom gets killed, then the movie throws some cute, twittering pterodactyls at us to lighten the moment. I mean, this couldn't be a coincidence! Not to mention, it's just out of place. Cut to a picture of Don Bluth with Mrs. Brisby from "The Secret of NIMH" looking over his shoulder. '''Bob: *voiceover* Don Bluth likes to put his child audience through the emotional wringer, since he's on the opinion that kids can handle anything, so long as you slap a happy ending onto it. Why bother trying to lighten the mood with this cutesy-bootsy crap when it just comes out of nowhere? Why not just instantly cut to this next scene where Littlefoot still thinks his that his mom is alive despite actually seeing her die? Littlefoot sees a shadow of another brontosaurus, thinking it's his mother's, and happily runs towards it. Littlefoot: Mother! Mother, it's you! Wait, mother! Soon enough, he realize it was only his own shadow, and is saddened once again. Bob: *voiceover* My god, is that cruel. And check this out: he bumps into Cera, who as it turns out, has been separated from her ''family as well, and just when you think they're going to come together when they need each other the most, she ''ditches him! Hey, think you found a friend in this time of need? Nope! You're still alone, f*ck you! Bob: Man, kids movies from the 80s were so great, weren't they? They were so... un-kid-friendly. *voiceover* But eventually, Littlefoot and Cera do get together, and begrudgingly, along with their friends Spike, Petrie, and Ducky. They make their way the Great Valley per the directions that were passed on to Littlefoot from his mother... An image of Littlefoot's mother appears in the clouds, much like how Mufasa appeared to Simba in "The Lion King", complete with his voice dubbed over it. Mufasa: *voice* Remember who you are. Bob: *voiceover* ...while they're struggling to find food, and avoid becoming food themselves. You know, real problems for real animals. Cut to a clip from "Alpha and Omega: A Howl-iday Adventure". Bob: *voiceover* You're not gonna see these characters worrying about making it home to Christmas dinner or whether or not every animal is included in some bullcrap Olympic games. After the kids defeat the 'Sharptooth' that's been stalking them, thanks in part to Petrie finally honing his flying skills, something which should not have happened if they intended to do sequels, they finally make it to the Great Valley. Littlefoot: Cera, Ducky, Spike, Petrie! Over here! Ducky: Littlefoot, you found it! Yep, yep, yep! Bob: *voiceover* So the kids are reunited with their respective families, except for Spike, who I guess couldn't find a single other stegosaurus in the entire valley. Yeah, for some reason, the Great Valley is really diverse in all the dinosaur species that live here, but we have no idea where Spike's stegosaurus family is. Weird. Instead, he gets adopted by Ducky's family, since he was abandoned before he was hatched. Ducky: *in an earlier scene, investigating Spike's egg* You should come out. You should. You are late. Yes, you are. Yep, yep, yep! *lifts up the top part of the shell* Come out! You are all alone! Are you not scared? Huh? Bob: *voiceover* Just adorable. How do you not love her? Na'rrator:' Littlefoot found his grandmother and grandfather at last. The same loving faces he looked into on the day of his birth. Bob: *imitating the narrator* I want Littlefoot to know that he still has two out of three loving faces for him to look up into, and that ain't bad. *voiceover* So, that was the first "Land Before Time". The animation was incredible, but then again, what else would you expect from a Don Bluth movie? Seriously, just look at how much attention to detail is given to the mechanics of these dinosaurs eating. Decent character performances are tricky enough on their own, but combining them with realistic movements of animals that haven't existed for millions of years? That ''is impressive. The voice acting is great, especially since the bulk of them are children, the story maintains a perfect balance of heart-wrenching and harrowing, the musical score by James Horner complimented it beautifully, and the themes of childhood empowerment and strength in diversity are still palpable even to this day. And, listen to this last bit of narration. '''Narrator:' And they all grew up together in the valley. Generation upon generation, each passing on to the next the tale of their ancestors' journey to the Valley, long ago. Bob: *voiceover* That ''is the perfect way to end this story. Why is that? '''Bob:' Because Judith Barsi, the little girl who voiced Ducky and Anne-Marie from "All Dogs Go to Heaven"... was murdered by her father. *beat* MGM knew that they couldn't recast her character in "All Dogs Go to Heaven 2", so that's why they didn't even try... and Ducky was her all-time favorite character to play out of all the things she's done on TV and movies, and everything that she's done in her young career. *beat* Just out of respect for that, that is why there should not ''have been ''any "Land Before Time" sequels. *shakes his head* Cut to a couple fan-made pictures of the main characters all grown up. Bob: *voiceover* But if they really had ''to make a sequel, they really should've gone with the whole generation-upon-generation angle. They can continue telling stories with the children of our main characters who are now grown up, or even ''their ''children if they have that many story ideas. They can be very ''similar to the original cast of characters, and they wouldn't be disrespecting the original movie's most iconic performance. But the sequels came anyway, and sadly, they did not go in that direction. Instead, they decided to go into a much more child-friendly direction, as is foreshadowed by the opening logo. The logo for "Universal Cartoon Studios" is shown, featuring a cartoonish airplane with a face. Bob: *voiceover* Oh, wow, we're in trouble. To go from the brilliant, apocalyptic animation of Don Bluth to a fluffy, giggling cartoon plane is total whiplash of the worst kind. Our first sequel, "Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure", takes us back to the Great Valley after we open in space, for some reason. After some narration gives us a run-down on what the valley's all about and who are main characters are, *feigning joy* we get to hear them sing about the wonders of their new lifestyles. The first song, "Peaceful Valley" (which is performed by the main characters), starts playing. Bob: Yep... The sequels are full of songs. *beat* Really terrible, forgettable, pointless songs. *voiceover, singing along with the song* This is filler, and nothin' is happenin' what a pointless song to be dropped in annoying music, and it just keeps droning for all time now Cut to a short clip from the musical number in "Alpha and Omega: Dino Digs". Bob: *voiceover* Gotta give the movie some credit, though, at least it didn't wait until six movies in to make a new musical score. But it would appear that there are still dangers to contend with, like Pinky and the Brain. The theme music for "Pinky and the Brain" plays in the background while a couple of Struthiomimuses plot from behind a log. Strut: Now, what are we going to eat, Ozzy? Bob: *voiceover, imitating The Brain* The same thing we eat every night, Pinky. Ozzy: Eggs... The valley is full of them! Nice plump, juicy... eggs. Fish (The Boxtrolls): Eggs? Bob: *voiceover* On the off-chance that you haven't seen the first movie, the Sharptooth was portrayed as this massive, hulking, unstoppable force of nature that only wanted to kill everything around it. The villains in this movie are nothing but a bad rehash of Abbot and Costello. Good to see them upping the ante like a proper sequel. Since survival isn't much of an issue for our main characters as it was in the last movie, Littlefoot now has enough leisure time to find himself like he couldn't before. For instance, he's not too crazy for being as little as he is. Littlefoot: *groans* I hate being little. Grandpa Longneck: Don't worry, you'll be grown up soon enough. Bob: *chuckles* Oh, man. Hindsight is such a bitch. *voiceover* I guess I can't really laugh too hard about how Littlefoot will never grow up, I mean it's not like these dinosaurs age from adolescence to adulthood in a matter of months or anything. These first two sequels happen over the course of five days with no seasonal changes, so at least it's doing a better job regarding the passage of time than Alpha and Omega did. Grandpa Longneck: *sighs* The valley is a wonderful place to grow up. Bob: *voiceover* Is it? The Great Valley features geysers, sinking sand, active volcanoes, and it's easily accessible by dangerous omnivores with a taste for eggs. Aside from the abundance of food, this place seems as hazardous as everywhere else! The five main characters are drowning in a lake of tar as "Peaceful Valley" plays once again. Bob: *voiceover* After Littlefoot's grandpa saves them, we get a song from the egg thieves, because... I dunno. I guess the movie told us their motivations. Ozzy: *singing* When I wake up first thing I do *spoken* Eggs. *sung* Is to look around for something to chew Eggs-actly Feeding myself is very, very tricky because you see, I'm ridiculously picky *spoken* Eggs. Strut: Excuse me, Ozzy, I- Ozzy: *singing* This Struthiomimus won't settle for the dregs Bob: '''*voiceover* Wait, Struthiomimus? How does he know that word? In a world where these dinosaurs call themselves long necks, three horns, flyers, swimmers, and spike tails, Why doesn't he call himself an egg sucker or something? They go off to hunt for some eggs, and Cera gathers her friends for a little meeting. '''Cera: I suppose you all got the same lecture I did. All: Mm-hmm. Petrie: Me too young to wander far. Ducky: We are not grown up and should remember it. Littlefoot: There are many dangers, I must always be careful. Cera: Don't hang around with long necks, big faces, and spike tails. They all stare awkwardly at Cera. Cera: Well, it was mostly the same lecture. Bob: *flatly* Good to know that Cera's father is still a racist bastard. *voiceover* She's fed up with their parents treating them like kids, and when they spot one of Ducky's future siblings being kidnapped, they decide to get it back themselves so that their parents will start treating them more seriously. They follow the thieves to the other side of the valley's great wall, they end up causing a rockslide in the process, and the egg magically makes its way back to the nest, safe and sound. Thank you, Plot Convenience Fairy, where would we be without you? They find what they think is the egg they were looking for, and none of them question why it's a lot bigger than it should be. But when they get it back to Ducky's nest, They find the original egg is back where it belongs. Littlefoot thinks they should tell their parents about this new egg, but Cera browbeats him into silence while they take care of the egg themselves. At least this movie is trying to show these kids acting with a sense of responsibility, as opposed to acting out just for the sake of defying their parents. Cera: How long do we have to wait? Littlefoot: Gee, I don't know. Could be a long time. Category:Transcripts Category:Well-Animated Schlock Category:Franchises That Went Bad Throughout Time